SPYDERZ!

Shagboc

There’s nothing in this this bloody Dwarf caravan but I do notice some grog that I’m having. That good for nothing Shazguth tells us of some kind of vision message of some place that we need to go. She describes it but I’m not really listening to the shit bag. All I know is that we’ve been walking for days – six – I’ve counted!

Ragrutt is way ahead scouting out the path, creepy little shit but amusing. He soon comes running back telling my brother about a dead dog and a horrible voice. My brother tells him to go look again, but he follows him so I follow close behind. Behind are me Jabir and Shazguth, I roll my eyes.

We all keep a distance between us trying to stay as quiet as possible, some being better than others. Jabir behind me is getting more and more frustrated with the trees and bushes as he tries to duck through low hanging branches and keeps banging his head as he stands up again. He moves branches out of the way only for Shazguth to get the full force on its return hitting her in the face. 

Up ahead, in the middle of the stream, we can see the body of a dog on a rock. We can smell rotting flesh, more so, the closer we get to the open space ahead. Jabir strolls past pushing trees and branches aside and heads over to the dog. Then we see the big lump fall forward asleep – or at least he looks asleep, the great oaf.

My brother runs over to try and get Jabir’s limb out of the water. I look around to make sure everything is clear, however Ragrutt looks behind me, and starts shouting.

“Master Master, behind you!”

I look round to see a huge spider descending the tree behind me.

My brother runs over smacking it hard with his knuckle dusters. I mention about it looking like someones mother as I raise my battle axe, bringing it down on the spider. As it lands we can hear the crack of bone and blood and guts spray over me. Ragrutt joins in with his little blade, stabbing it but it seems to slide off the rubbery underbelly. Eventually he manages to get the blade in. I feel a rush of air behind me and turn at the moment another spider snaps its jaws shut, luckily missing me.

Jabir launches into attack, hitting the second spider.

My brother goes all in, punching the first spider to death. He makes a bloody mess of the spiders head that is nothing but a pool of mushy liquid.

I swing round with my axe at the second spider but it’s quick and manages to avoid the blade. Not on the return stroke though as I bring the blade down hard on its skull, splitting it in half. As I withdraw my goo, blood covered axe from its skull, we can hear a scraping noise and a voice calling for its children.

“Master, sounds like another spider in the cave” says Ragrutt.

“Go and kill it then,” my brother says encouragingly!!!!  

Ragrutt runs and jumps over the stream as the huge Spider launches from the cave running to attack him. “Helps it’s attacking me!” shouts Ragrutt.

I look to my brother who’s just sarcastically intimidating me or the spider. I run and launch myself over the stream landing on top of this huge spider. All the while wondering if Ragrutt is worth defending, as its going against my natural ways of dealing with the lower order of orcs. The spider tries to shake me off but raising my axe and using the power in my arms, back and legs, I bring it down hard cracking its skull. It goes limp and twitches.

“Stab it with your steely knife Ragrutt,” I call out and with that, I hear the popping of eyes as Ragrutt goes to town.

“I’ve killed it master I’ve killed it!” Ragrutt jumps around all happy with himself.

RAGRUT’S SECRET DIARY

9th in stinking wood

So we goes on and on through this nasty wood because the small witch did see a vision of some rock or something like that and she says the Witch Queen wants to meets us there. Ragrut thinks the WQ couldn’t give a hobbit’s nipple for the likes of us but I has to do as I’m told by master or I’ll get a kicking and they are deaf to my words because they is stupid.

Of course, Ragrut is sent ahead again because of my clever, sneaky ways. I sneaks through all the branches and trees and sees a dog lying sleeping in the middle of the sleepy stream and hear a nasty, vile voice say something looks tasty (probably Ragrut). I dashes back to master and tells him and of course he wants to check it out and of course Ragrut has to go FIRST. They is all stinking cowards sending Ragrut first.

We hangs about there by this stinking, sleepy stream and a GIANT SPIDER swoops down on master’s brother. I shouts master master and they all ignores me and we gets into a fight with this spider and I stabs it good and proper and then another spider appears and I stabs this one too. Master did help a bit this time.

Then they is dead and the daddy spider comes. I feel like I want to tell them about Flytrap and my special stone and how I knows all about spiders but I knows it’s pointless cos they only have small brains because they is stupid.

Master tells me I have to jump over the river and attack the daddy spider, while he just stands there and watches. Ragrut has to thinks hard about this. Which is worse – being bashed up by master or fighting a giant daddy spider? I takes my chances with the spider.

Meanwhile, the big one has done a stupid thing and touched the water so he’s all more stupid than Ragrut thought but then I looks again and somehow he’s not all asleep and he has the DOG which is now awake and he puts it in his pocket which was Ragrut’s place and dogs are tasty so why he not eat it? The small witch is not here and I knows she does good spells but she is not INTREPID likes Ragrut. 

Anyways, I jumps over the sleepy river and attacks this spider daddy and then the master’s brother comes and helps Ragrut! Master just stands there of course bossing everyone around. Master’s brother whacks daddy spider a goodun in his gunky brains and Ragrut finishes him off with lots of stabbing right in the eyes and they pop nicely and there is goo and spider slop all over Ragrut’s arms and I am happy and saying master look (he doesn’t care) and then I really enjoys licking all the spider juice off my arms. Ragrut is really HAPPY.

But uh-o then comes the MUMMY spider and of course, master is all like go kill it Ragrutt. Ragrut sighs inside at this.  When will this end

Jabir entry

Dwarf caravan had little for Jabir besides coins and wood I use to make new weapons. New splitter so I can chop dwarf heads and cut elves in two. Utterigner still handing me gifts to make me leader. He sees my strength even if small for my people. Their brother still scowls at making me war chief but will see soon. They bully small ragrutt all days but they are Snaga so is part of life I thinks. The witch has found a dress and demands we go to the mountains because of a dream. Stupid idea – can not trust what you can not see with own eyes.

Heading for the mountains and now large Spiders in the tree. Huge spiders. They attack while Jabir was pulling a hound from the river. Strange hound – not afraid like all others. Seems to like me? The witch wants him. Won’t let her have him. Jabir will crush anyone who wants hound. Utterigner says name is “Bugger Off” but too long for me – I call them Bug.

We now have to make way into cave. Stupid idea. Bad idea. No good come from magic of witch queen, no good at all. I keep eyes on her, always plotting something, always thinking.

SHAGBOC

One of the spiders that was behind us runs off into the cave where we can hear more movement and the spider calling for its mummy. There’s scraping and sliding noises and a voice calling out for her boys coming from deep within the cave. I retrieve my axe from the body of the dead spider. Jumping down I grab my bottle of grog and take a few mouthfuls. Looking around, I notice shadowy movements coming from just within, in the darkness. Looking around I also discover that around me and around the broken stone circle are these globs of sticky spider web. I also find it’s hard to lift my foot. Whilst I’ve been looking around, Shazguth has been helped over and starts giving me lip about moving some of the white pulsing sticky stuff out of her way.

I move quickly and grab her by the throat.

“Look you little maggot, prove your worth or I’m gonna kill you!”

As I’m shouting at this little shit, the stone circle rumbles and a huge mother fucker of a spider emerges. For a fleeting moment I consider throwing the worthless maggot into the jaws of the spider, but I stupidly opt to throw her back over the stream instead.  

I see Ragrutt move forward and start stabbing at the spider. I charge forward and belch up my grog in a fiery cascade, burning her a little. She winces and closes her eyes, which gives me the opportunity to hit her with my Axe. I take a swing but with my feet a little stuck I can’t get a good balanced swing and I miss the fucking thing. She grabs me with mandibles and then take a bite at my wrist as I try and swing my axe around. My brother appears and uses his knuckle dusters to attack but this spider, although she has me in her grip, manages to dodge my brothers hit. Suddenly the mandibles go limp and the bulk of the spider slumps forward, a spiders leg protruding from it’s eye like a javelin. We all manage to move out of the way of the great lump of a spider as it collapses.

Someone calls out about another baby spider which I do see. Ragrutt runs round to it. I then run round drinking more grog. Holding out a torch, I spray another fiery belch over the it and onto the back end of the spider where we can see the movement of more baby spiders.

As the flames start to burn the dead mother, two more spiders plop out. They stand there looking at me as my brother comes to join in the fun and starts to intimidate one of them. There’s a flurry of action. I swing my axe, but the speed of these baby spiders is fast and I miss, my brother also swings wide with his fist.

The huge bulk of Jabir arrives, and the spiders look as if they have seen a ghost and look to be a little scared. Jabir’s dog also helps and bites one of the legs and hangs on. Frustrated I swing my axe above my head. I’m slightly off as I am having to use my left hand, but I manage to bring it down hard splitting the spider in half. Jabir passed me and does the same with the second spider.

We know there’s another spider lurking in the cave, but Utterigner wants me to help him to harvest some of the spiders venom but shamefully I’m not that good.

Utterigner gets some of Ragrutt’s horrible slime covered bandages that we’re sure he blows his nose on but he uses them and helps to sort my wound. Ragrutt’s runs up and offers me a sniff of his smelling salts that are rank, but I feel revitalised.  

Ütterigner

So now the Snaga has found a dog, sleeping in the filthy stream. Firstly I think about how much sport it would give but the troll seems to have taken a shine to the thing. I tell Jabir it’s called “Bugger Off,” hoping he’d scare it away himself. But it seems now we are stuck with the hound. The Witch may sacrifice it if she gets the chance but I’m not going out of my way to upset Jabir!

Then we get attacked by some huge spiders that came from a cave. The troll pulled an impressive move by ripping off a spider leg and using it like a javelin to take out their mother! We handled them no problem of course, especially when we discovered their hatred of fire.

The Witch believes the spider caverns will lead us to this big rock she’s been on about. It will be nice to get underground, although the dim sunlight doesn’t bother me and my brother as much as the others.